Perhaps we all need a few jokes to help us get back to normal this year. RO provides some and a very good reason to tell them…

On conversation

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

On Money

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.

There are people who have money and people who are rich.

On Men

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

On diet

The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

And finally on Old Age

 Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do about it.

My 2-year-old grandson, 
Sam, brought a colouring book 
to me and said, “Read it.”

I proceeded to make up
 words to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said, “I don’t think I’ve heard that story before.”

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 80th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" 

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here." 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows." She pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, 

"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. 

"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied,  "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

As the hostess at the restaurant showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
shortly. I started to describe him: “He has grey hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is seniors discount day. They all look like that.”

An pensioner walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 66 years old." The bartender apologised, but said he had to see some ID. The old guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for checking me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tips cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes.

A dog thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … THEY MUST BE GODS!’

A cat thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … I MUST BE A GOD!’

 

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought. “Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,

How am I doing this morning?

 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is doing 70 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A policeman pulls her over and says “can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it taken away two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please tell me the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the boot.” “ DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his radio. Five minutes later, half the police station turn up, the inspector walks over to the woman’s window. “Madam, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can  you tell me the registration of this car?” She tells it to him. “Madam, stand back!” He opens the boot of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first police officer and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet he told you I was speeding too!!”

 

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little baby and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realise that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
 

The neighbours thought it was odd, but 93 year old Jimmy was dating again. One Monday morning Jimmy woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Jimmy finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Jimmy picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Jimmy, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

 

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. – Abe Lemons

Ever Wonder? What do gardeners do after they retire?
 

Birthdays really take the cake . . . and add it to your stomach.
- Melanie White

They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
- Malcolm Cowley

The first fact about the celebration of a birthday is that it is a way of affirming defiantly, and even flamboyantly, that it is a good thing to be alive.
- G. K. Chesterton

Having a birthday is a lot better than not having one.
- Anonymous

I'm at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It's the law.
- Andry H'Tims ‏@Thing_Finder

On your birthday, remember: don’t drink and tattoo.
- Greg Tamblyn

You know you're getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu ... And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
- RTS ‏@cambuslad

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
- Greg Tamblyn

You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.
- George Burns

At 80 years old your bones get softer, but your arteries get harder, so it balances out.

Turning 80 means your favourite romantic song is probably now a laxative commercial.

80 years old is when you tell somebody, "I must be losing my memory" and they say, "I know, you told me yesterday."

Birthday Tip: When you go to the Health and Safety class at the Senior Centre, and they ask you what steps you would take in the event of a fire, "Really Big Ones" is the wrong answer.

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."
- Bill Vaughan

Jack turns 80 today. Now he can spend his days eating, snoozing, and searching for the stuff he had just a few minutes ago.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the f-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Statistical studies prove that at the age of 80, there are four females for every male. Hell of a time for a guy to get odds like that.

Turning 80 and thinking about what tattoo to get? You might want to consider your name and address...

By the time my mum turned 80 she was leaving little post-it notes to herself all over the house, and wondering who they were from.

Happy birthday Cher! For your birthday, I'm sending you a DVD of my favorite movie about a talking pig. I got you Babe.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
- Melanie White

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?

- Satchel Paige

Little Jimmy was shouting out a prayer for his birthday. “Please God, all I want for my birthday is a new X-Box. Thank you.”

His mom walked in and said, “Jimmy, why all the shouting? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know,” said Jimmy. “But Grandpa is.”

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.
- Bennet Cerf

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
- Ogden Nash

When you hit middle age, getting to second base is mainly just feeling each other for lumps.
-Anonymous

Happy Birthday! You’re now living proof of the old saying that “Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.”
- Kin Hubbard

An 80-year-old man goes to the doctor with his wife.

After the exam, the doctor takes the wife aside, and says, “I'm afraid your husband has an advanced stress disorder. He’ll die very soon unless you do exactly as I tell you: 

• Always be sweet and pleasant.
• Each morning, fix his favourite breakfast.
• Prepare delicious, healthy meals and snacks.
• Encourage him to nap whenever he wants.
• Don't let him do any chores.
• Under no circumstances nag him about anything.
• Give him regular massages.
• Make love at least twice a week.

Keep this up for a year, and he'll return to a state of near-perfect health for his age.”

Later in the car, the husband asks his wife what the doctor told her.

She replies, “Well dear, he said you’re going to die soon.”

You know everything, but nobody asks you.

You still read the print edition of the newspaper, and what you like best is “Forty Years Ago Today...”

You tell your great grandkids that when you were their age, going to the movies cost less than a 5p today.

You no longer chew gum because of what it does to your dentures.

You’ve always wanted to shoot your age at golf, but you always shoot your weight.

You’re becoming very fond of barbershop quartet music.

It doesn’t matter where your spouse goes, just as long as he/she can find their way back.

You feel certain your anti-wrinkle lotions really work.

You’re not elderly; you’re “chronologically gifted.”

A young man's grandmother was turning 80 and had moved into a new flat. He wanted to drop by, see her new place, and wish her happy birthday.

He called her and she instructed him as follows:

"Park in front of the building and come to the main door. You'll see a big panel on the right. With your elbow, push button 115. I'll hit the buzzer and I'll let you in. Walk inside and turn right for the elevator. Get in, and with your elbow press number 115. Walk out of the elevator and turn left. Come down the hall to 115 and ring my doorbell with your elbow."

"Grandmother," he says. "That's easy enough, but why the heck am I pushing all these buttons with my elbow?"

"What?" she replies. "You're coming empty handed?"

A woman turned 80 years old. She was an avid golfer, so she decided to move to Kent and join a country club.

On her first day at her new club, she was told that there wasn't anybody else available for a game just then.

Seeing her disappointment, and wanting to make her feel welcome, the female assistant pro offered to play with her and asked her how many strokes she wanted for a bet. 


The older woman said, "I don't think I need any strokes, I've been playing great lately. I just have a heck of a time getting out of sand traps."

True to her word, the 80-year-old played beautifully. When they came to the par four 18th, she and the pro were all even.

The pro hit a gorgeous tee shot, knocked her next one on the green, and two-putted for par. The older lady hit a great drive, but her second shot landed in a steep-sided bunker next to the green.

Playing from the sand, she lofted a high, soft shot. It came down a few feet from the cup and rolled in for a birdie, winning her the match and all the money.

The 80-year-old was still standing in the trap when the pro walked over and said, "Beautiful shot! I thought you said you had a problem getting out of traps?"

"I really do,” the 80-year-old replied. “Would you mind giving me a hand?"

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one's birthday. They don't even check.
- Minor Irritation ‏@brettminor

Gave my co-worker the Heimlich manoeuvre. Proving once again I'm no good at birthday gifts.
- Jamie Tighe ‏@thejamietighe

I’ve been asked to pose for Penthouse on my 100th birthday. Everybody is going to be sorry.
- Dolly Parton

Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
- Ronald Reagan

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

During college, I worked on 
a conveyor belt. One day, I was 
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.

“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.
- Anonymous

It's easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year
- Anonymous
I’ve got everything I had 20 years ago, except now it’s all lower.
- Gypsy Rose Lee

The bad news is that I have a bad memory and am no good at maths. The good news is that I have no idea how old I am.
- Melanie White
 

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
- Richard J. Needham

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
- Andy Borowitz

Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your cake from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it.
- Greg Tamblyn

An explorer was marching deep into the African jungle. After a few days, he began to hear drums in the distance. He asked his guide what they meant.

The guide said, “Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad.”

As they marched deeper into unknown territory, the drums got louder. The explorer began to get nervous.

“Are you sure these drums are okay?” he asked his guide.

“Drums okay,” said the guide. “Drums not bad. But when drums stop, VERY bad.”

Two more days they marched into the dense jungle. All the while the drums grew louder and closer.

Then, quite suddenly, they stopped.

Panicked, the explorer said, “The drums have stopped! What happens now?”

The guide fell to the ground, quivering. He covered his head with his arms, and whispered, “Guitar solo.”

9. You have enough money for a yacht, but a pop-up camper sounds like more fun.

10. The candles on your birthday cake set off the office smoke alarm.

11. Your computer screensaver is a scene from Country File - so you can daydream about that farm you have always wanted.

12. The “girls at the office” really do seem like girls.

13. You’re not sure how to work the fax machine and have no idea what a scanner is.

14. In the middle of your retirement party, you want to lie down and take a nap.

15. You keep referring to the TV remote as the "turner-upper."

16. You can’t remember how old you are.

1. You remember where your office is, but not exactly what you do there.

2. It’s less embarrassing to carry your dog’s pooper-scooper than your briefcase.

3. You’ve been drinking the office coffee so long you think it actually tastes good.

4. Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spread sheet.

5. A “nice little fling at the office” means you hit the wastebasket with a wad of paper.

6. The office stock boy is younger than your grandkids.

7. You can’t remember when it was that they offered you an early retirement package, but you’re pretty sure Reagan was president then.

8. When the guys ask you if you’re “getting any,” you think it means sleep.

- Greg Tamblyn

Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.
- Malcolm Muggeridge

Whatever resources of good health, character, and fortitude you bring to retirement, remember, also, to bring money.
- Jane Bryant Quinn

For far too many people, retirement may be described as living in the past lane.
- Mardy Grothe

My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.
- Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

My retirement plan is to wait for a global catastrophe to wipe out the majority of humanity, survive, and then rise up as Emperor of Earth
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

As to this retirement business, let me give a word of advice: Have nothing to do with it.
- Stephen Leacock

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.
- Anonymous

Retirement, we understand, is great if you are busy, rich and healthy. But then, under those conditions, work is great too.
- Bill Vaughan

Retire for what? What would I do? I made my name as a person that is helping. I'm like Moses in the music business.
- James Brown

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.
- Dave Allen

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an elderly man were in adjoining seats.

The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.

But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.

“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a pound. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you £20.”

The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.

The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”

The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backwards and comes downstairs forward?”

The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.

He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.

Finally, he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.

The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backwards and comes downstairs forward?”

The senior got out his wallet, gave the lawyer a pound, and went back to sleep.

A couple in their nineties are both having some short term memory loss.

While in for a checkup, the doctor says that physically they’re okay, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that evening they’re sitting and reading when the husband gets up.

“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.

“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.

“Okay.”

“Shouldn’t you write it down, so you don’t forget it?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”

“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”

“I’ve got it, dear. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”

“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”

A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for heaven sakes!”

He shuffles out to the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs, and gives it to his wife.

She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

"In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tyre my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm."

The little boy was amazed, and sat silently for a minute. Finally he said, "Granddad, I wish I'd gotten to know you a lot sooner!"

Here is a little something that will make the ladies smile ... 

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"


Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
 

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit'a clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the xmas eve?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered Jokes on LPG!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!
 

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Webbb!!! (Yeah!)

Merry Christmas Everybody from all at LPG

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 7pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer or pliers.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my paracetamol, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, and dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realising that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Husband:       “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and yet so beautiful all at the same time”

Wife:               “Allow me to explain.  God made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me and me so stupid so that I would be attracted to you!” 

CMJ, Brockley

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

At a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Brockley yet driver?"  "No, madam, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

An old man and woman were married for years and years even though they hated each other. When they had an argument, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. Repeatedly a threat was heard from the old man against his wife.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
​​​​​​​Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"  Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for thirty years!"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
 

ATD - At The Doctors
BFF - Best Friend Fell
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR"?..and then I said, "Hell ya, I know the whole alphabet."...  Then everyone laughed…well everyone except one guy.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Lewisham and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

One day, while strolling down the road, John bumped into an old school friend of his, Rob.  “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
 

Thinking that the local political candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old peoples home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring...

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 70 year old Harry finally made it to the gym.  After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.  “Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.”

The neighbours thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.

Shaun and Julie are approaching their silver wedding anniversary.  They are a couple in perfect harmony except for one little niggle.

After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from £10.00 to £2,000, was what he was told. “I’ll try the£10.00 pair” Sam said.

Husband:       “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and yet so beautiful all at the same time”

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.
But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the lift, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.
“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist.
The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength. After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy."
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a drink.”

Q: What do pensioners call a long lunch?

A: Normal.

Q: Why don't pensioners mind being called Seniors?

A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. 

Q: When is a pensioner’s bedtime?

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. 

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 7pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer or pliers.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my paracetamol, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, and dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Q: How do you know your old? 

A: People call at 7 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Q: Why do Pensioners smile all the time?

A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

105 year old woman's remedies to her health:

When I'm an old lady I'm going to leave snacks in little bags on the floor all over the house in case I fall down

My parents had a one of those old fashioned big square TVs - I remember well because I was the remote

You know you're old when an "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.... Good Times

Daughter:  What Is Marriage?

Mum:  Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

I'm not totally useless....I can be used as a bad example.

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends,  because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

1. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
2. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
3. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
4. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
5. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
6. You sing along with elevator music
7. Your eyes won't get much worse.
8. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
9. You can't remember who sent you this list.

If you can’t afford a doctor go to an airport – you’ll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy.

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. 

As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. 

She was getting nervous. 

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. 

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.

I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?" 

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Well," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." 

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbour came out of his house and shouted: 'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'